Alone
　　獨自一人
　　I'm all alone.
　　我完全獨自一人。
　　It's dark. I can't remember where I am ... or why I'm here. It's wrong that I'm alone. Where is Wanda? I can't see to look for her. I can't remember how to call for her. It's silent. I can't feel her. I can't feel our body.
　　周圍漆黑一片。我想不起來我在哪里……或者為什么我在這里。我不應該獨自一人的。小漫在哪里？我找不到她。我想不起來怎么呼喚她。周圍寂靜無聲。我感覺不到她。我感覺不到我們的身體。
　　Panic starts to set in as I wait for her voice. For her to say my name. To tell me where we are. To open my eyes so we can see. I need to hear her voice — my voice, in my softest tone, my gentlest inflection.
　　我開始害怕，我等待著她的聲音，等待著她呼喚我的名字，告訴我我們在哪里，睜開我的眼睛讓我們能夠看到什么。我需要聽到她的聲音——我的聲音，用我最柔軟的嗓音，最溫和的語氣。
　　I wait, but there is nothing. Just me and the dark.
　　我一直在等著，但什么都沒有，只有我和這黑暗。
　　The panic gets worse as I try to remember. Did she shut me out again? That happened once, I know, but I don't remember it. I don't think it was like this, panicking in the dark. It was just nothing then.
　　我嘗試著回憶，但越來越害怕。她是不是又一次把我趕出去？曾經(jīng)有過一次，我知道，但我想不起來。我在黑暗中憂心忡忡，但不覺得和那次一樣。那只是一次誤會。
　　And I don't think Wanda would do that. Because we love other. I remember we said that. Just before.... something. I tried to dredge up the memory.
　　而且我也不覺得小漫會那么做。因為我們愛著彼此。我記得我們說過，在……什么事情之前。我努力地挖掘著自己的記憶。
　　We were saying we loved each other.... We were saying....
　　我們說我們愛著彼此……我們說……
　　Good-bye.
　　再見。
　　My memory comes back clear and strong, and at the same time, rest of me does, too. I can feel the cot under me, I can feel the sweat on my skin raising goose bumps in the cooler night air. I can see a light redly through the membrane of my eyelids. I can hear myself breathing. I can hear a voice getting louder, like someone is pushing a volume button.
　　我的記憶回來了，清晰而強烈，與此同時，我其他的部分也回來了。我能夠感覺到我身下的窄床，我能夠透過眼瞼看到朦朧的紅色光線。我能夠聽到我正在呼吸。我能夠聽到越來越大的說話聲，好像有人在調整音量旋紐。
　　The memory is stronger than my senses. The memory is agony.
　　但記憶比任何一種感覺都要強烈，令我痛不欲生。
　　I couldn't stop her. She died for me, and there was nothing I could do. It's too late that I can move the muscles in my fingers, that I can curl my hands into fists. It's too late. Wanda is gone. She saved me I didn't save her.
　　我沒能阻止她。她為我而死，而我無法做任何事情�，F(xiàn)在我終于能夠移動手指上的肌肉，能夠把我的手攥成拳頭，但已經(jīng)太遲了，小漫走了。她救了我，我卻救不了她。
　　I don't listen to the nearby voice that is getting louder. I don't care in this second, about the hands that are smoothing out my fists. I am hearing Wanda's voice in my memory, thinking her last thought. It's just an echo in my head now, the way I can remember anyone's voice. She's not here.
　　那近在咫尺的說話聲越來越大，但我不想聽。在這一刻，我什么都不在乎，哪怕是有人正在試著扳開我的拳頭。我聽著記憶中小漫的聲音，想著她最后的想法�？墒沁@一切只不過是我腦海中的回音而已，我可以回憶出任何人的聲音。但她不在這里。
　　I'm so afraid, she said.
　　我很害怕。她說過。
　　I feel her fear again, remembering.
　　我再次感覺到了她的恐懼，只是回憶。
　　I let her be lost. I did that.
　　我讓她消失了。是我做的。
　　I remember her reasoning. I remember how she made the decision to die to let me live: she couldn't exist at the expense of someone she loved.
　　我想起她的那些理由。我想起她是怎樣下定決心以死換取我的重生：對于她所愛的人來說，她的離開就是無法彌補的損失。
　　And now I'm supposed to do this — live at the expense of her life? How is this the happy ending? With me the monster who lets friend, my very best friend, die for me?
　　現(xiàn)在我應該做什么？繼續(xù)活著，來代替她的人生？這怎么可能是一個大團圓的結局？讓我最好的朋友為我而死？為我這個殘忍自私的怪物？
　　"Mel? Mel, I love you. Mel, come back. Mel, Mel, Mel."
　　“梅兒？梅兒，我愛你。梅兒，醒來吧。梅兒，梅兒，梅兒�！�
　　It is Jared's voice, trying to call me back the way Wanda called back the Healer's host, the way she taught Kyle to call to Jodi.
　　是杰萊德的聲音，他想要喚醒我，就像小漫喚醒治療師的宿主，她也曾經(jīng)教給過凱爾，讓他去呼喚朱蒂。
　　I can answer him. I can speak now. I can feel my tongue in my mouth, ready to move into whatever shape I ask it to. I can feel the air in my lungs, ready to push out the words. If I want this.
　　我能回答他。我現(xiàn)在能說話了。我可以感覺到我的舌頭，它就在我的口中，準備在我的命令下作任何動作。我可以感覺到肺中的空氣，只要我想要，就可以呼出來發(fā)出聲音。
　　"Mel, I love you, I love you."
　　“梅兒，我愛你，我愛你�！�
　　This is Wanda's gift to me, paid for with her silver blood. Jared and I, put together again as if she'd never lived. As if she hadn't saved us both.
　　這就是小漫留給我的禮物，代價是她銀色的血。如果她死了，杰萊德和我就可以再次在一起了——如果她沒有救了我們。
　　If I accept this gift, I profit from her death. I kill her again. I take her sacrifice and make it murder.
　　如果我接受了這份禮物，就等于是用她的死換取了這一切。我再一次殺了她。我享用她的犧牲，我令這變成了一場謀殺。
　　"Mel, please? Open your eyes."
　　“梅兒，求求你？睜開你的眼睛。”
　　I feel his hand on my face, cradling my cheek. I feel his lips burn against my forehead, but I don't want them. Not at this price.
　　我感覺到他的手觸到了我的臉，撫過我的面頰。我感到他的唇在我的額上燃燒，但我想要的不是這些，至少，不是在付出如此的代價之后。
　　Or do I?
　　我該怎么辦？
　　If I had wanted to save Wanda enough, would I have thought of a way? Just like she thought of a way to save the vile Seeker. Because she did want it enough. Maybe I didn't didn't really want to save the truest friend I ever had — and that was why I didn't find a way.
　　如果我想要救她，是不是應該能想出個辦法？就像她想出辦法來救那個討厭的獵人一樣。也許我并不是真心想要拯救我擁有過的最好的朋友——這就是為什么我還沒有想出任何一個辦法。
　　Maybe murder is exactly the right word.
　　也許，謀殺正是最準確的形容。
　　Wanda cried as she said her good-byes. My eyes still feel raw and puffy. New tears follow the path of the old ones and slide down my temples.
　　小漫在說再見的時候哭了。我的眼睛仍然感覺得到刺痛和腫脹。新的眼淚順著舊的淚痕流下，滑過我的太陽穴。
　　"Mel? Doc, c'mere! I think she's in pain!"
　　“梅兒？醫(yī)生，快過來！她好像很疼！”
　　Doc is still in the hospital. I hear him walk quickly toward me. And my eyes are still raw. Wait. How much time has passed? A few hours or just a few minutes? Am I not too late?
　　醫(yī)生還在醫(yī)院里。我聽到他快步走向我。我的眼睛仍在刺痛。等等！已經(jīng)過了多久了？幾個小時還是幾分鐘？我會不會太遲了？
　　My eyes flicker open, and Jared's face is close, his eyes tight with worry, his lips just parting to speak again. He sees that I'm aware of him, and whatever he was going to say is lost.
　　我猛然睜開眼睛，杰萊德的面孔近在咫尺，他的眼中充滿了擔憂，正要再次開口說話，看到我注意到他，一下子不知道該說什么了。
　　I shove hard against his chest and he rocks back, unprepared for that. I sit up into the space where he just was, my gaze raking the room, searching for some sign of her — a flash of silver, a shine of movement. Is she dying somewhere here beside me right now? Is there any chance I'm in time?
　　我猛然推開他。沒想到我會這么做，他呆呆地后退。我坐了起來——就在他剛剛讓出的位置——視線掃過房間，尋找她存在的任何線索——一點銀色的閃光，一點流動的光澤。難道她就死在我所在之處？難道沒有任何可能來救她？
　　"Mel?" Jared asks again, grabbing my right wrist and reaching for my left.
　　“梅兒？”杰萊德再次叫我，握住我的右腕，然后又去握我的左腕。
　　"Where is she?" I hiss, trying to yank free while I slide off the other side of the cot. I don't feel dizzy or unbalanced on my feet. Maybe I haven't been out very long at all.
　　“她在哪里？”我嘶聲問道，試圖掙脫出來，結果卻從床的另一邊滑下去。我并不覺得自己頭昏或者是站不穩(wěn)。也許是我太久沒有出來了。
　　He stares at me, shocked, still holding on to my wrist with his arm stretched across the cot. I only meet his eyes for a half second and then I'm looking frantically around Doc's cave again, grateful the bright halogen lantern is still burning.
　　杰萊德震驚地看著我，仍然抓著我的手腕，哪怕我已經(jīng)掉到了床的另一邊。我只看了他的眼睛半秒鐘，然后便開始再一次瘋狂的掃視醫(yī)生的洞穴，幸好明亮的鹵素燈仍然亮著。
　　I don't see the brilliant silver I wish for. It's not here. But then my eyes do find something metallic. A duller silver than I want. A hard, flat, sharp metal blade.
　　我沒有看到我想要的，沒有明亮的銀色。但隨即我便看到了某種金屬的色澤，比我想要的更加黯淡。一把堅硬的，薄薄的，鋒利的刀子。
　　I recognize Jared's big hunting knife lying at the head of the cot beside me, an easy distance away. This is the knife that Wanda gouged into our arm to save Jamie. This is the knife that Jared carries on him only when he leaves the caves. This is a knife that has no business here in Doc's hospital.
　　我認出來了，杰萊德的大獵刀正放著床頭，就在我旁邊，一個很方便的距離。這是小漫為了就杰米而捅了我們的手臂時用的那一把刀子。除非要離開山洞，否則杰萊德不會帶這把刀。它根本沒有必要出現(xiàn)在醫(yī)生的醫(yī)院里。
　　The mutilated souls in my memory, in Wanda's memory, fill my head, and I gasp in shock as strong as hers was then, maybe stronger. What had happened to those stranger souls was not entirely surprising, unless you were as innocent as Wanda had been. This there is no excuse for. This is senseless and crueler than anything I've ever dreamed of.
　　那些破碎的靈魂從我的記憶中浮現(xiàn)，從小漫的記憶中，充斥著我的腦袋，我震驚地喘著氣，她的記憶越來越清晰。那些陌生的靈魂究竟發(fā)生了什么根本不值得驚訝，除非你像小漫那樣天真。沒有任何借口，這是我能夠想象得到的最無知和最粗魯?shù)男袨椤?br>　　Is Jared insane? Did he never believe us? Does he still think Wanda was a spy, even now that she's died for us? For him? Was he playing her till the end?
　　杰萊德瘋了嗎？難道他從來沒有相信過我們？難道他仍然認為小漫是個間諜，即使她為我們而死？難道他是在欺騙她，直到最后？
　　Or did he think he was putting her out of her pain? Was she twisting with it? Writhing in agony while I slept? A choked cry coughs its way up my throat and through my lips.
　　或者，他想過沒有？他把她取出來的時候她會很痛苦？她是不是因為痛苦糾纏成一團？在我睡著的時候，她卻痛不欲生？我發(fā)出了一聲哽咽的哭號。
　　Jared circles the head of the cot, never freeing my wrist, and tries to pull me into the circle of his arm.
　　杰萊德從床頭繞過來，仍然沒有放開我的手腕，想要把我拉入他的懷抱。
　　"Mel, baby, it's okay. You're back."
　　“梅兒，寶貝，一切都很好。你回來了�！�
　　He's got my right hand, so instead of punching, I throw out a vicious backhand with my left, catching his face across the cheekbone. The force of the blow stings in the bones of my hand.
　　他抓住了我的右手，不方便用拳頭，所以我用左手狠狠地朝他的臉扇了一巴掌。擊打的力道讓我的手痛的要命。
　　He sucks in a shocked breath and jumps back, dropping my wrist. Freed now I follow the first hit with a good, strong uppercut that glances off the side of his jaw as he ducks away.
　　他震驚地倒吸了一口涼氣，向后跳去，總算放開了我的手腕。緊接著我跟上去給了他一個完美有力的上勾拳。
　　Long ago I told Wanda I didn't think I'd be able to hit Jared, no matter what. Now all I want is to hit him harder.
　　很久以前我告訴小漫我不相信自己會揍杰萊德，無論因為什么。但現(xiàn)在我唯一想要的就是揍得更狠一些。
　　There is no internal protest to my fury the way I almost expect, no innate sense of wrong, and this only makes me more furious.
　　對于幾乎是放任自流的這種憤怒，我心里沒有任何抗拒感，沒有任何本能的負罪感，這只能讓我更加憤怒。
　　"How could you?" I screech at him as I swing again, missing this time because he is on his guard now. "What is wrong with you? How could you kill her?"
　　“你怎么能？”我朝他尖叫道，同時再次朝他揮拳，但現(xiàn)在他有了防備，躲開了�！澳惆l(fā)什么神經(jīng)？你怎么能殺了她？”
　　I remember the souls I've seen, the Seeker and the Healer, and I can only see them through Wanda's perspective. Beautiful, fragile, downy silver ribbons. Wanda would have been beautiful like that. And then I think of the mangled silver bodies ....
　　我記得我曾經(jīng)看到過靈魂，獵人和治療師，當然只能從小漫的視角去看。美麗，脆弱，像柔和的銀色絲帶。小漫一定同樣美麗。然后我又想到了那些破碎的銀色軀體……
　　Someone — Doc — tries to grabs my arms as I lurch toward Jared with fists leading. I throw back an elbow. I feel the impact and hear him gasp when I connect, and his hands drop away.
　　我再次傾身揮動拳頭，有什么人——醫(yī)生——試圖抓住我的手臂。我向后揮動手肘，感覺到了碰撞，同時聽到了他痛苦的喘息，他的手松開了。
　　"You killed her!" I shout at them both. And then I'm echoing her "You're monsters! Monsters!"
　　“你殺了她！”我朝他們兩個喊道，然后我重復著她曾經(jīng)的話，“你們是自私殘忍的怪物！怪物！”
　　"Mel!" Jared shouts back. "Listen!"
　　“梅兒！”杰萊德同樣大喊，“聽我說！”
　　I lunge for him, and he moves quickly out of my way, hands out as though he's going to try to restrain me. I consider for just a second ducking back for the knife, and some part of me realizes that I'm out of control, but I don't want to be rational. Not with Wanda dead — dead for me — and me still breathing.
　　我沖向他，他迅速地躲開，伸出手想要阻止我。我只考慮了一秒鐘，就閃過了他去拿那把刀子，同時，一部分的我認識到我已經(jīng)失控了，但我不想保持理性。不想在小漫死去——為我而死——而我還在呼吸的時候保持理性。
　　"Mel, please just —"
　　“梅兒，你只要——”
　　"How could you do this? How?"
　　“你怎么能這么做？怎么能？”
　　Another swing and a miss. Jared is fast.
　　又一次揮拳和又一次落空，杰萊德的動作很快。
　　A huge shape abruptly rises up beside me. From the corner of my eye I see that the cot in this shadowed recess is occupied. Jodi's vacant face, eyes closed, surrounded by dark curls, has come within range of my attack. And Kyle, one arm still holding Sunny's tank, steps between Jodi and me. Protecting the body of the girl he loves, and the hibernating soul he is so unexpectedly sympathetic to. He doesn't make a move toward me the way I expect.
　　一個高大的陰影突然出現(xiàn)在我身邊。我眼角的余光注意到在山洞的凹處陰影中還有一張床。是朱蒂，她出現(xiàn)在了我的攻擊范圍內(nèi)，一頭黑色的卷發(fā)，神色茫然，閉著眼睛。還有凱爾，手上抱著桑蒂的冷藏箱，站在朱蒂和我之間。保護著他所愛的女孩的身體，還有意外地激發(fā)了他的同情的冬眠的靈魂。他并沒有向我想象中的那樣走過來。
　　I still remember the feel of his big hands pushing my face under water.
　　我仍然記得他那雙大手把我的臉按向水中時的感覺。
　　Even Kyle is able to learn. How can Jared be stupider, stubborner, crueler than Kyle?
　　既然凱爾都會學習，改變。杰萊德怎么可能比他還要愚蠢，頑固，殘忍？
　　I automatically skid back a step from Kyle, and Jared takes advantage of my distraction. He gets my wrist again and pulls my arm behind me. I can tell he is being careful, that he doesn't want to hurt me. This isn't like that first night we met, when we each thought the other was an alien. When we were ready to kill each other. But his hold brings that first night back. And I don't really want to hurt him anymore, but I'm so angry I don't know if I can help it.
　　我下意識地在離凱爾一步遠的地方停了下來，杰萊德在我分心的時候抓住了機會，再一次握緊我的手腕，并把我的手拉到了背后。我必須承認，他的動作相當小心，畢竟他完全不打算傷害我。不像我們第一次見面的那個晚上，我們兩個都以為另一個是外星人，并且準備殺了對方。不過現(xiàn)在那一晚的敵視又回來了。我并不是真的想要傷害他，但我仍然很生氣，因為我無能為力。
　　I can't be the person who will accept Wanda's death as the price for what I want. I won't be.
　　我不想成為用小漫的死換來的那個人，也不應該。
　　"Melanie," Kyle snaps in his deep voice. He sounds annoyed. I'm so shocked to hear him say my name that I don't interrupt.
　　“梅蘭妮。”凱爾突然用低沉的聲音叫道。他聽起來很煩躁。聽到他叫我的名字，我實在太吃驚了，沒有來得及說什么。
　　"Calm down!" he orders. "Wanda's fine. She's right over there."
　　“冷靜下來！”他命令道，“小漫很好。她好好地在那里。”
　　I stare at him. I feel my mouth fall open.
　　我瞪著他，驚訝地張大了嘴。
　　He gestures to Doc's desk, where there are three cryotanks, all of them glowing dull red on top. Two are spaced evenly in the center the way I remember, and there is another one set apart in the far left corner. I stare at the three tanks, then at the one in Kyle's arm. Four. Two Healers, Sunny, and one more.
　　他指了指醫(yī)生的桌子，上面放著三個冷藏箱，都亮著紅燈。我記得整齊地放在中間的那兩個，但現(xiàn)在又多了一個，放在一旁的角落里。我瞪著那三個箱子，還有一個在凱爾手中。四個，兩個治療師，桑蒂，還有一個……
　　Wanda.
　　小漫。
　　I burst into tears.
　　我的淚水涌了出來。
　　The alien who has become my sister is alive. She's right here, and now that I have control of my hands, I can make sure she never disappears. Make sure she'll outlive us all.
　　那個已經(jīng)成為我的姐妹的外星人仍然活著，她好好地在這里�，F(xiàn)在，我終于可以控制我的手了，我可以確定她根本沒有消失，而且會比我們?nèi)魏稳嘶畹母谩?br>　　Jared drops my wrist and moves to embrace me, but I shake him off and stumble away from him, past Doc, and head for Wanda. I pull her tank carefully into my arms and hold her tight. She doesn't know I'm here, but someday — someday soon — I will tell her about this moment. I'll tell her that I didn't want my body back until I knew I could use it to protect her.
　　杰萊德放開我的手，轉而擁抱我，但我從他那里掙脫開來，越過醫(yī)生，朝小漫沖過去，小心地拿起她的冷藏箱，緊緊地抱住。她并不知道我在這里，但也許有一天——那一天很快就會到來——我會告訴她這一刻發(fā)生的事情。我會告訴她，我寧可不要自己的身體，除非我可以用它保護她。
　　"Mel," Jared says from behind me. He's more hesitant now; his fingers press only lightly against my arm.
　　“梅兒，”杰萊德在我身后說道。他現(xiàn)在有些猶豫了，手指只是輕輕地碰觸我的手臂。
　　I don't turn.
　　我沒有轉身。
　　"Give me a minute," I say thickly.
　　“給我一分鐘�！蔽液卣f。
　　He waits silently. His fingers stay, soft against my skin.
　　他安靜地等待著，手指輕撫過我的肌膚。
　　I take a few deep breaths and try to come to grips with this new reality. Wanda is safe, and I will bring her back. I am me again, what I always wanted. Jared is here with me. Our family is, thanks to Wanda, intact. I have everything. There is no one in my head but me.
　　我深呼吸了幾次，試著來接收這個新的現(xiàn)實：小漫活著，我會想辦法讓她回來。而且，我又是我了，這是我期待已久的，杰萊德在這里，和我在一起。多虧了小漫，我的家再次完整了。我現(xiàn)在擁有一切，腦袋里也沒有了其他人，只有我。
　　So of course I feel horribly alone. I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop crying. I wish I could hear Wanda telling me that everything is okay. I promised her I would be happy, but I don't feel happy. Just lonely.
　　因此我感覺到了可怕的孤獨。我不知道我能不能停止哭泣。我希望我可以聽到小漫告訴我：一切正常。我答應過她，我會快樂，但我根本沒有感覺到快樂，只有孤獨。
　　"Miss you," I whisper to the warm metal in my arms.
　　“我想你�！蔽逸p聲對手中溫暖的金屬箱子說道。
　　It is quiet for a minute in Doc's cave. I can feel them hovering behind me, unsure.
　　醫(yī)生的山洞里大約安靜了一分鐘。我可以感覺到他們猶豫不決地站在我身后。
　　"What happened?" I ask, still not turning.
　　“出了什么事？”我問道，仍然沒有轉過去。
　　"I got here in time," Jared answers.
　　“我剛好趕到了這里�！苯苋R德回答說。
　　I don't entirely understand this. "Doc?" I say, and my voice sounds strained.
　　我并不完全理解他的話。“醫(yī)生？”我緊張地問道。
　　"I gave my word ... um, Melanie. I'm sorry, I don't really... know you."
　　“我遵守了我的諾言……呃，梅蘭妮。我很抱歉，我并不是真的……認識你�！�
　　I turn to face him as he is speaking. He's blushing a little, and he can't quite meet my eyes.
　　在他說話的時候，我轉過頭去，他有些臉紅，并且無法完全直視我的雙眼。
　　"I don't know how well you know me," he continues. "How much a part you were of the relationship I had with Wanda." He clears his throat. "But she knew how much that — my word — meant to me. And I believe I know how much it meant to her that I keep my promise. She wanted to die here."
　　“我不知道你了解我多少�！彼^續(xù)說道，“了解多少關于我和小漫之間的關系。”他清了清嗓子，“但她理解那個——承諾——對于我來說意味著什么。而且我也理解我的承諾對于她來說意味著什么。她希望死在這里�！�
　　Now he looks me straight in the eye.
　　現(xiàn)在他可以直視我的雙眼了。
　　"She was wrong," I say through my teeth.
　　“她弄錯了�！蔽乙е勒f道。
　　Doc matches my glare for a moment, then sighs and shrugs. "I guess I'm relieved that Jared stopped me. I hope she'll forgive me."
　　醫(yī)生和對視了一會，然后聳聳肩，嘆了口氣，說：“我覺得杰萊德阻止我的時候，我松了口氣，希望她可以原諒我�！�
　　My laugh is a little rusty. "She's good at forgiving people."
　　我笑了笑，同時也有些生氣：“她很擅長原諒別人。”
　　I look at Jared. "You followed her?"
　　我看向杰萊德：“你跟蹤了她？”
　　He nods. "I could tell something was up."
　　他點點頭：“我覺得事情不太對勁�！�
　　He eyes me, hesitant, and I can tell he's trying to decide if he's allowed to hold me yet.
　　他猶豫地看著我，我看得出來，他想要再次擁抱我。
　　I'm not quite ready for that. I look at the knife and then back at him.
　　我還沒有做好準備。這時我看到了那把刀，便還給了他。
　　"Doc didn't want to do things my way," Jared explains, and Doc rubs a hand nervously over his throat.
　　“醫(yī)生不打算按我說的去做�！苯苋R德解釋說，醫(yī)生在一旁不安地抓了抓自己的脖子。
　　I raise one eyebrow, impressed in spite of myself.
　　我不由自主地挑起眉。
　　Jared seems surprised that I am surprised.
　　看上去杰萊德對我的驚訝很意外。
　　"I love her, too," he says. "I wouldn't let anything happen to her while you were out. No matter what crazy plan she'd set in motion.
　　“我也愛她�！彼f，“我不能在沒有你的情況下讓她出事，無論她弄出了多么瘋狂的計劃。”
　　And it's just like the moment when Jared snuck into Jamie's black sickroom and chloroformed Doc, and Wanda and I knew that he understood, that he believed, that he was who we needed him to he. He is my Jared, and of course he saved Wanda just the way I would have in his place. I know what Wanda would say about this — about my finding comfort in violence — and it almost makes me smile.
　　就像是那一次杰萊德潛入杰米漆黑的病房用□□迷昏醫(yī)生，小漫和我都知道他會理解的，而他也相信了，當我們需要他的時候，他就在那里。他是我的杰萊德，當然，他救了小漫，就像我會做的那樣。我知道小漫會對此說什么——我對使用暴力手段感覺良好之類的，這只會令我一笑置之。
　　Jared sees this emotion fill my eyes, soften my face, and he takes that small step forward to put his arms around me — around both of us, since I'm still holding Wanda. This time, I let him. I more than let him — I melt into him, drying my tear-streaked face against his shoulder.
　　杰萊德看到我的情緒緩和下來了，神情變得溫和，所以他慢慢地走了過來，將我擁入懷中——將我們擁入懷中，我仍然抱著小漫。這一次，我允許他這么做。比允許他這么做更多——我靠在他懷里，在他的肩頭擦干眼淚。
　　"Thank you," I whisper.
　　“謝謝你�！蔽逸p聲說。
　　Jared kisses the top of my head.
　　杰萊德吻了我的頭頂。
　　It's quiet. I hear the creaking of a cot, and I guess that Kyle is lying down, going back to sleep. That must be why he sounded so annoyed before. I woke him up. Who cares about all this drama with Doc and Jared and a new person he's never met, when he's missing sleep? I want to laugh at his self-absorption. I don't think I will make the allowances for Kyle that Wanda did. I'm not so forgiving.
　　周圍一片安靜，我聽到病床咯吱一聲，我想那是凱爾躺了回去，接著睡覺。這大概就是為什么他剛才聽起來很煩躁——我把他吵醒了。當一個人想要睡覺的時候，誰會在乎醫(yī)生杰萊德和一個沒見過的家伙搞出來的這些事情？我真想嘲笑他的熱愛睡眠，我不覺得我會像小漫那樣體諒凱爾。我可不擅長原諒。
　　With my face still pressing into Jared's shoulder, I suddenly wonder what Doc thinks of this reunion. I imagine him standing awkwardly, looking away. Or maybe I'm wrong and he's staring, trying to wrap his head around who I am now. Wanda imagined the way the humans would react to me. She expected me to be embraced by them, surrounded by them, trusted and celebrated. I wonder if she had it right. I can definitely feel a slight chilliness from Doc now, but maybe this is because of Jared and the knife, and not me at all. Or maybe it has everything to do with me. Maybe Wanda's friends won't like me so much. All the best people here, I labeled them. Will any of them forgive me for taking her place? Stealing the body they think of as hers?
　　我仍然靠在杰萊德懷里，突然很想知道醫(yī)生看到我們這樣親密是什么感覺。我想象他尷尬地站在那里，朝別處望去。也許我錯了，他正在盯著我，試圖弄明白我現(xiàn)在是誰。小漫曾經(jīng)想象過其他人對我回來的反應，她想象他們歡欣鼓舞地慶祝這件事，熱情的擁抱我，信任我。我想知道她是不是對的。我現(xiàn)在清楚地感覺到醫(yī)生冰冷輕蔑的視線，不過也有可能是因為杰萊德和那把刀的緣故，不是因為我�；蛘呙考露己臀矣嘘P系。也許小漫的朋友并不喜歡我。我覺得這里的人都很不錯。但會不會有人無法原諒我取代了她的位置？覺得我偷了她的身體？
　　Will Jamie? I think so. He loves me. I know that. But how will he feel when he sees Wanda in a small metal tank? Will he be happy to have me back when — to him — I was never really gone?
　　杰米呢？我覺得……他愛我，我知道。但看到小漫被裝在一個小金屬箱里，他會怎么想？既然對他來說，我并沒有真正離開，那么他會因為我的歸來而高興嗎？
　　We need a body. Jamie will be fine when Wanda herself tells him everything is okay.
　　我們需要一個身體。如果小漫自己告訴他一切正常的話，杰米就不會傷心了。
　　But Ian.
　　但是伊恩。
　　I don't even want to think about Ian. He doesn't love me the way Jamie does. I don't think Ian even likes me. He might actually hate me. Or he will, when he wakes up and she's gone.
　　我甚至無法去想象伊恩的反應。他并不像杰米那樣愛我。我不覺得伊恩會喜歡我。當他醒來然后發(fā)現(xiàn)她已經(jīng)離開了，他當然會恨我。
　　I promised Wanda I would try to take care of Ian, but I feel in my bones that he won't allow that. How can I apologize in any meaningful way while I'm standing in this body and Wanda's in a can?
　　我答應過小漫我會照顧好伊恩，但真心覺得他不會覺得這是個好主意。當我在這個身體中而小漫被塞進一個罐頭盒里的時候，我該怎樣合理的表示歉意？
　　We need a body fast.
　　我們必須盡快弄到一個身體。
　　There is another reason I don't want to think about Ian. I remember kissing him, just a few minutes ago, probably, and I remember it feeling right. Part of me misses him already. Part of me wants him here.
　　另外一個我不打算去想伊恩的原因是，我記得我吻了他，就在幾分鐘之前——也許吧——而且我感覺不錯。一部分的我想念他，一部分的我希望他在這里。
　　I shudder in Jared's arms, and he holds me tighter.
　　我顫抖著埋進杰萊德的懷抱，他抱得更緊了。
　　"It's all going to be okay," Jared promises.
　　“一切都會好起來的�！苯苋R德承諾說。
　　I believe him. I inhale the scent of his skin and know this is where I want to be.
　　我相信他。我深吸一口氣，是他的味道，我知道，這就是我想要的。
　　I am too exhausted now to think about Ian. I am too tired to do anything but rest my head against Jared's arm and let him hold me.
　　我太累了，實在不想去考慮伊恩的事，現(xiàn)在只要靠在杰萊德的懷里就好。
　　This is going to be confusing.
　　這真是太令人困擾了。
　　♦
　　Kyle's big voice, too loud even when he is trying to whisper, is pulling me into consciousness. I'm lying down. I feel disoriented, like the first time I woke up. How long have I been asleep now?
　　凱爾的大嗓門就耳語而言實在是太大，令我恢復了意識。我在躺著，感覺迷迷糊糊的，像我第一次醒來的那一次。我睡了多久？
　　"Look at me, Jodi. Please, honey? I need you to open your eyes. I need you to do this for me, Jodi. Please. Please. Squeeze my hand. Something."
　　“看著我，朱蒂。可以嗎，甜心？我需要你睜開眼睛，為我睜開眼睛，朱蒂。求你了，求你了，握住我的手�；蛘唠S便做點什么。”
　　Kyle's voice breaks as my eyes flutter open. The tarps are still in place over the air vents. They keep the sun from being too blinding. It's morning, but the light is yellow and not orange. Well past dawn.
　　當我睜開眼睛的時候，凱爾的聲音停下了。防水布仍然罩在通風口上，防止陽光太曬。已經(jīng)是早上了，但光線是黃色的而不是橙色，剛好錯過了黎明。
　　I guess it's not surprising that I slept so long; Wanda was up for days in this body. It was worn through. But this is terrible timing for a sleep-in day.
　　這什么好奇怪的，我睡得太久了。這身體按照小漫的步調過了太多的日子，已經(jīng)有些遲鈍了。不過對于一個室內(nèi)活動日，這真的是個糟糕的時間。
　　Will Ian be up? Is he looking for me?
　　伊恩醒了嗎？他開始找我了嗎？
　　Not for me. For Wanda.
　　當然不是找我，是找小漫。
　　I sit up too fast, and my head spins while I search the cave for Wanda. I spy the tank on the cot next to mine.
　　我猛然坐起來，感到一陣眩暈。隨即我便找到了小漫的冷藏箱，就放在床上。
　　"It's okay," Jared murmurs in a soothing voice — the kind of voice you use with sick people and scared children. "She's right here. She's not going anywhere."
　　“一切正常。”杰萊德低聲安慰著——就是用你去安慰病人或者受驚嚇的小孩子的那種語氣，“她好好地在這里，沒有去任何地方�！�
　　Jared is leaning against the cot on my other side. He is smiling, the corners of his eyes crinkling. There is still a residue of caution in those eyes, He isn't sure he knows me as well as he did before. He's not sure how much Wanda has changed me.
　　杰萊德朝我傾身過來，微笑著，眼角瞇出了細紋。那雙眼睛中仍然殘留著一絲警覺。他不清楚我是不是還和以前一樣，不確定小漫讓我改變了多少。
　　There is a purple bruise forming across his right cheekbone.
　　他右邊的顴骨上有一塊紫色的淤痕。
　　I clear the sleep from my throat and croak, "Sorry. And thanks. Again."
　　嗓子因為剛剛睡醒而不太舒服，我清了清嗓子，說：“對不起，還有謝謝，再一次的�！�
　　"I love you," he answers. The way he says the words makes them into something more than reassurance. It's almost a challenge.
　　“我愛你�！彼鸬�。說話的語氣令這幾個詞不僅僅是安慰，幾乎是一種挑戰(zhàn)。
　　"I love you, too," I tell him. I roll my eyes. "Obviously."
　　“我也愛你�！蔽腋嬖V他，翻了個白眼，“很明顯�！�
　　He grins. This is all he needs. He pulls me off the cot and into his chest.
　　他露出了燦爛的笑容，這就是他要的，然后便將我拉到他懷里。
　　I hug him back, but it feels like cheating. I don't get to enjoy anything yet. There is too much I've put off while I slept. It hangs over me like a jail sentence. Something that must be endured before anything else can continue.
　　我同樣擁抱他，但感覺好像是在欺騙。我無法享受這一刻。在我睡著的時候，有太多的事情被推遲了，好像是籠罩在我身上的命運審判，在一切恢復正常前，有些事情必須克制。
　　"What?" Jared asks, feeling me stiffen as I think of what I have to do. "I want to understand what you're going through now. Talk to me."
　　“怎么了？”杰萊德問道，我在考慮應該怎么做時，他感覺到了我的僵硬，“我希望知道你打算做什么，告訴我�！�
　　He sounds so serious and determined — determined to be a therapist, if that's what I need.
　　他的聲音嚴肅而充滿決斷力——像一位咨詢師，也許這正是我需要的。
　　"It's nothing very complicated," I say, and I sigh. "Ian."
　　“并不很復雜�！蔽覈@了口氣，說，“伊恩�！�
　　His arms are rigid for a second, and then he forces himself to relax. I see a doubt on his face that has never been there before.
　　他的手臂僵硬了一秒種，然后強迫自己放松下來。我在他臉上看到了之前沒有過的懷疑。
　　"He needs to know. The longer I wait to tell him —"
　　“他需要知道。我越晚告訴他——”
　　"It's still early. He might not be up yet. Let's go look for him." Immediate action, Jared's specialty.
　　“還早呢。他大概還沒有起來。我們?nèi)フ宜��！毙袆庸麤Q是杰萊德的特點。
　　"I need to talk to him alone first. I have to explain."
　　“我最好先單獨和他談談。我必須解釋清楚�！�
　　Jared mulls for a moment.
　　杰萊德考慮了一會。
　　"I don't like it," he finally says. His words are slower and more deliberate than usual. "He'll be angry. Real angry."
　　“我不喜歡這個主意。”他最終說道，語氣比平時更加緩慢和深思熟慮，“他很生氣，毫無疑問。”
　　"I know."
　　“我知道�！�
　　"I'm going with you."
　　“我和你一起去�！�
　　"No. That would hurt him more." I am sure of this. And also sure that I have nothing physical to fear from Ian. I know him better than that. "And don't follow me like you followed Wanda. This is straight forward. He just needs to hear it from me first."
　　“不行。這對他是更大的傷害�！边@點我可以肯定，同樣可以肯定我其實沒必要害怕伊恩，我已經(jīng)相當了解他了�！斑�有，別像跟蹤小漫一樣的跟蹤我。沒必要拐彎抹角。他只是需要先從我這里知道這一切。”
　　Jared nods once, guarded. That doubt is there again. I don't think there is anything I can say to take it away. Words are not enough, especially after this long year of someone else's words coming out of my mouth. Eventually, Jared will be sure that nothing has changed between us just because Wanda was in my body when she fell in love with Ian. Time and action — those are the things that will convince him. And me.I take his face between my hands and kiss him once mouth, and then a second time lightly — just touching my lips to his bruise.
　　杰萊德迅速點點頭，但神色謹慎，那種懷疑再次出現(xiàn)了。我不知道我究竟可以說什么才能抹去那懷疑。語言根本無法完全表達，尤其是在這漫長的一年中，是別人在用我的嘴說話。最終，杰萊德會明白的，我們之間沒有任何改變，只是小漫在用著我的身體的時候愛上了伊恩。時間和行動會向他證明一切，當然，還有我。我捧起他的面龐吻了一下他的唇，然后又輕輕地吻上了他的淤痕。
　　The sensation of the jail sentence is too strong for me to linger, though. I have to get this over with before I can really let myself feel him here with me. I can't be happy with this looming over me. The pleasure is corrupted to the point where it's pain.
　　那種即將接受宣判的感覺仍然折磨著我，我必須快點搞定這件事，然后才可以真正地和他在一起。在審判逐漸逼近的時候，我根本不可能開心，任何愉快的感覺都會被痛苦摧毀。
　　Jared squeezes my arm as I turn away from him. I walk past Doc, who is snoring quietly on the last cot. I head out into the long southern tunnel and am immediately hit with a heavy sense of the surreal.
　　杰萊德在我離開的時候抓緊了我的手臂，我經(jīng)過了最后一張床，醫(yī)生正在上面輕聲地打鼾。我朝南側通道探出頭去，突然有了一種極強烈的不真實感。
　　I never expected to do this again — walk through this darkness. The last time felt so final. Rationally, I must have been aware that the whole point was for me to wake up, get off the cot, and walk back into the caves. But it feels impossible and strange and wrong now.
　　我從來沒有想到過會再一次穿過這黑暗，上一次的時候好像是最后一次。理性的說，我必須意識到，重點是我醒了，起床，然后回去山洞里。但現(xiàn)在卻感覺這是不可能的，古怪而錯誤。
　　The tunnel is long again and a little bit frightening, the way it hadn't been for Wanda for a long time.
　　通道仍然漫長而又令人有些恐懼，僅僅在不久之前，小漫走過這里。
　　As I walk quickly, my mind races ahead to what I am going to say to Ian. Will he still be asleep? Should I knock? I can't remember if Wanda put the door back in place when she left.
　　我一邊快走，一邊思考著怎么對伊恩說。他是不是仍在睡覺？我應該敲門嗎？我不記得小漫離開的時候是不是把門關上了。
　　I picture him, his limbs flung out on the mattress the way he always sleeps, his black hair sticking out in wild tufts, his pale eyelids shut. It is easier to imagine him with his eyes closed. I am afraid to see his bright blue eyes, because I know how the pain will look in those eyes. The pain and the anger and all the accusations that I absolutely deserve.
　　我想象著他四肢伸展地睡在床上，黑色的頭發(fā)凌亂地翹著，蒼白的眼瞼緊閉著。想象他閉著眼睛比較輕松。我有些不敢去看他明亮的藍色眼睛，因為我知道里面會流露出痛苦，痛苦和憤怒的控訴，那完全是我應得的。
　　I start walking faster, almost jogging. I want to get to him before he wakes up. I want to have a few seconds to see his face before he opens his eyes and starts hating me. I'm jogging outright when I turn the corner into the bright plaza. It will be my first time in this room and also my thousandth. I am pondering this as I run smack into Ian.
　　我加快腳步，幾乎變成了小跑。必須在他醒來前趕到。我希望能夠在他開始恨我之前再看看他的面孔。轉過一個彎，我徑直跑進了明亮的廣場中。這是我第一次來到這里，也是第一千次。在沖向伊恩的同時，我正在想著這個。
　　He catches my arms automatically, to keep me from falling backward. He looks down and begins a smile.
　　他本能地抓住我的手臂，免得我向后摔倒。低頭看來并且露出一個微笑。
　　The expression freezes on his face. His hands drop from my arm like he's just gotten an electric shock.
　　他的表情一下子凍結了，像被電擊一樣松開我的手臂。
　　Though I know I look exactly the same as Wanda — without direct light, my eyes don't give me away — it's clear that he knows. He knew the second he touched me, and the information only reached his brain after he'd started that smile.
　　我和小漫看起來沒有什么區(qū)別——除了在直接的光照下，我的眼睛會出賣我——顯然，他也很清楚這一點。在碰到我的那一刻就知道了，比他開始露出微笑晚了那么一點。
　　He steps back from me, still half smiling, though there is no humor in his expression at all. It's like the rictus grin of a corpse left unfinished by an indifferent mortician.
　　他從我身邊退開，唇邊仍然帶著那不完全的笑容，即使他的表情中根本沒有笑意。就像一具被不負責任的殯儀師留下的露齒而笑的尸體。
　　We stare at each other.
　　我們彼此對視著。
　　I can't tell how long we stand like this. His smile gets more and more painful by the second, until I can't bear it. Finally I speak, babbling the first words I can think of.
　　我不確定我們這樣站了多久。他的笑容越來越痛苦，我忍不住開口，說出了我能想到的第一句話。
　　"She's fine. She's in a tank. We'll get her a body. She'll be fine. Fine. She's fine." By the end, my voice is tiny. Barely more than a whisper.
　　“她沒事。她在一個冷藏箱里。我們會給她找一個身體。她會沒事的……沒事……她沒事。”我的聲音越來越小，僅僅比耳語強一點。
　　As I speak, his face relaxes. Sort of. The hard smile dissolves, the corners of his mouth sag down. His frozen blue eyes thaw out. But his face also tenses in new ways. Lines around the edges of his eyes. Black brows align into one long block.
　　隨著我的話語，他的神情放松了下來，變得柔和了。僵硬的笑容消失，嘴角垂了下來，冰冷的藍色眼睛融化。但他的臉仍然繃緊了，眼睛周圍出現(xiàn)了細紋，眉頭緊鎖。
　　He doesn't answer. We stare at each other again, but it's not the motionless, icy thing it was before.
　　他沒有回答。我們再一次彼此對視，但至少有改變，不再是死局。
　　My arms ache to reach out to him. To exercise some physical expression of comfort. I half lift them and drop them again. My hands twitch toward him, and I ball them into fists.
　　我的手臂朝他伸過去，想要安慰他。我在半抬起的時候阻止了它們，讓它們自然落下，我的手顫抖地伸向他，然后我把它們攥成拳頭。
　　He is moving in almost the same way. He leans toward me just a little, then recoils subtly. He does this three times as we face each other.
　　他的動作幾乎是同樣的方式，想要接近我，又迅速收回去，在我們對視的時候，這種情況發(fā)生了三次。
　　I wait for his accusations: You made her suffer because of me. You were petty. You knew her weak points and you used them. You let her sacrifice herself. She's a hundred times the person you are.
　　我等待著他的控訴：你令她為我忍受痛苦，你這個自私鬼。你知道她的弱點，利用了它們。你讓她犧牲了自己。她比你好一百倍。
　　All true. I will not argue with him. I will plead guilty.
　　都是真的。我無法和他爭辯。我認罪。
　　He doesn't say anything.
　　他什么都沒說。
　　Is this restraint for her sake, because he knows she wouldn't approve? Or is he just being polite, the wayyou are to a stranger?
　　這種克制是因為她的緣故嗎？因為他知道她不會喜歡？或者他只是保持禮貌，對陌生人的禮貌？
　　He still doesn't speak, and I start to wonder if he simply can't. If there are no words for the pain that is easy to read, now, in his eyes.
　　他仍然沒有說話，我開始覺得他僅僅是因為說不出來。也許沒有任何語言可以形容這種痛苦，在他眼睛中很容易看到。
　　"Do you want to ... go to her?" I offer.
　　“你想要去……她那里嗎？”我提議說。
　　He doesn't answer, but the pain in his eyes shifts a little. Becomes ... bewilderment. His hand rises slightly, then falls.
　　他沒有回答，但眼中的痛苦緩和了一點，變得更加混亂，他稍微抬起手，又放下。
　　"She's with Doc," I murmur. I turn halfway, back toward the southern tunnel.
　　“她在醫(yī)生那里�！蔽倚÷曊f，轉過身，返回南側通道。
　　I take a step sideways, leading. He follows with one jerky motion.
　　我側身領著路，他跌跌撞撞地跟在后面。
　　Walking slowly, still sideways, I move into the darkness. He follows, his stride becoming more sure. Once we're in the dark, I turn to face forward. I keep my tread light, listening to be sure he is with me. His footsteps sound stronger. He starts to speed up. After a few moments, I'm following him.
　　我側身慢慢地走進了黑暗中。他跟了上來，步伐變得更加確定。一旦我們都進入了黑暗，我轉向前方，放輕腳步，側耳傾聽，確定他正跟著我。他的步子越來越穩(wěn)定，開始變快，僅僅過了一小會，就變成了我跟著他。
　　In the dark it is easier. Like his eyes are closed. We walk in silence, but it feels more comfortable. I was invisible to him before, but I was always there, walking beside him. It feels the same now that I'm invisible again.
　　在黑暗中感覺輕松了些，就像他閉著眼睛。我們沉默地走著，但這樣感覺更加合適。對于他來說，我以前并不存在，但我一直都在，在他身邊�，F(xiàn)在和那時很像，我再次不存在了。
　　"I couldn't stop her," I say after maybe half a mile.
　　“我沒能阻止她�！贝蟾抛吡税胗⒗锖螅艺f。
　　He surprises me by — after a short hesitation — answering me.
　　他令我大吃一驚——在短暫的猶豫之后，他回答了我。
　　"Did you want to?"
　　“你真的想要阻止嗎？”
　　His voice is husky, like maybe he couldn't risk speaking before because of what it would do to his self-control, and I'm even more glad I can't see him.
　　他的聲音沙啞，也許他之前正在努力控制自己，所以無法說話。我很慶幸我看不到他。
　　"Yes."
　　“是的�！�
　　We walk slower, not speaking for a while. I wonder what it's like for him, hearing my voice. He sounds like my friend, but I must sound like something very different to him.
　　我們走的慢了一些，又沉默了一會。我想知道他是不是喜歡聽我的聲音。他聽起來像我的朋友，但我對他來說其實十分陌生。
　　"Why?" he asks eventually.
　　“為什么？”他最終還是問道。
　　"Because she ... is my best friend."
　　“因為她……是我最好的朋友�！�
　　His voice is different when he speaks again. Calmer. "I wondered about that."
　　再次開口時，他的聲音變得不一樣了，更加冷靜。“我想知道一切�！�
　　I don't say anything, hoping he'll explain. After a minute, he does.
　　我沒說話，希望他能解釋一下。一分鐘后，他解釋了。
　　"I wondered if anyone who really knew her could not love her. You knew her every thought."
　　“我想知道有沒有哪個人真的了解她卻不愛她。你應該了解她的每一個想法�！�
　　"Yes." I answer the question he didn't ask. "I love her."
　　“是的�！蔽一卮鹆怂麤]有問出的那個問題，“我愛她�！�
　　He hesitates, then asks, "But you must have wanted your body back?"
　　他猶豫了一下，然后問道：“但你一定想要回你的身體？”
　　"Not if it meant losing Wanda."
　　“這并不意味著失去小漫�！�
　　He digests this for a moment. The soles of his shoes are suddenly hitting harder against the stone floor, and I have to move faster to keep up with him.
　　他花了一小會來理解著句話。腳步聲突然變重，我不得不加快步子來跟上他。
　　"She's not leaving this planet," he growls.
　　“她沒有離開這個星球�！彼暗�。
　　That other plan — the one that was never more than a fabrication in our head — is so far from my thoughts that it takes me a second to understand.
　　另一個計劃——好像它并不存在，我根本沒有想過它，所以花了一秒種才想起來。
　　"That was never her intention," I say, meaning to agree with him.
　　“她根本沒想過�！蔽以噲D令他確信。
　　He says nothing, but his silence is a question. He walks slower again.
　　他沒再說話，但他的沉默似乎像是一個疑問。他的步子又放慢了。
　　I try to explain. "She was making that part up, so you all wouldn't argue with her. She wanted to stay here.... She planned to, well, be buried here. With Walter and Wes."
　　我試著解釋：“她撒謊了，這樣你們就不會反對她。她希望待在這里……她的計劃是，好吧，被埋葬在這里。和沃爾特還有威斯在一起。
　　His silence is heavier this time. He's stopped altogether.
　　他的沉默變得異常沉重，完全停下來腳步。
　　I hurry to explain. "But she's fine, like I said. Doc put her in a tank. We'll get her a body. Soon. First thing."
　　我連忙解釋：“但她很好，就像我說的，醫(yī)生把她放到了冷藏箱里。我們會給她找到一具身體。很快。這是首要任務�！�
　　But he's not listening. "How could she think of doing that to me?" he hisses furiously.
　　但他根本沒聽。“她難道不明白這對我意味著什么？”他狂暴地叫道。
　　"No," I say softly. "It wasn't like that. She felt like she would be hurting you more if she stayed here ... in this body."
　　“不是。”我柔聲說，“不是這樣的。她覺得她如果留在這里會更加傷害你……在這個身體里�！�
　　"That's ridiculous. How could she want to die rather than leave?"
　　“這太荒唐了。她怎么能覺得死去比離開更好？”
　　"She loves it here," I say softly. "She doesn't want to live anywhere else."
　　“她愛著這個星球�！蔽胰崧曊f，“她不想去任何地方�！�
　　Ian is very angry — angry with Wanda, which offends me. His words are sharp. "I never thought of her as such a quitter."
　　伊恩非常生氣——對小漫生氣，這讓我很不爽。他尖銳地說：“我沒想到她會這么容易放棄�！�
　　"She's not," I snap, and then I immediately feel guilty. I have no right to get mad at Ian. So I speak slowly, measuring out my words, trying to make him see. "Wanda ... She thinks she's tired of being a parasite, but I think she was just plain tired. She was so worn out, Ian. More than she let anyone see. Losing Wes like that ... It was a lot for her. She blamed herself —"
　　“她沒有�！蔽覅柭曊f，然后我立刻感覺到了內(nèi)疚。我沒有權利對伊恩生氣。所以我緩和了語氣，字斟句酌地對他解釋：“小漫……她認為自己厭倦了做一個寄生蟲，但我覺得她只是單純的厭倦。她已經(jīng)受夠了，伊恩。比她表現(xiàn)出的更加嚴重。失去了威斯之類的……這對她影響很大。
　　"But she didn't have anything to do with —"
　　“但這不表示她可以做這種事——”
　　"Try telling her that!" I realize that I've barked at him again, and I take a deep breath. "Then having to face the Seeker. It was tougher than you know. But more than any of that, loving you while ... loving Jared. Loving Jamie and thinking he needed me more. Loving me. Feeling like she was hurting us all just by breathing. I don't think you can understand what that was like for her, because you're human. You can't imagine how she ... she ..." I can't find the right words, and my throat suddenly feels swollen.
　　“去對她說啊！”我發(fā)現(xiàn)我又對他喊了，做了一個深呼吸，我繼續(xù)說，“然后還有不得不去面對那個獵人。這比你想的更加艱難。但更嚴重的是，愛著你……同時又愛著杰萊德。愛著杰米，但想到他更需要我。愛著我。看起來她的存在似乎傷害到了我們所有人。我不覺得你會理解這一切對于她來說意味著什么，因為你只是個人類。你無法想象她……她……”我找不到合適的詞，而且嗓子也好像突然被什么堵上了。
　　"I think I know what you mean." His voice is softer now. His antagonism is gone. Ian is not one to hold on to anger.
　　“我想我能明白你的意思�！彼恼Z氣變得溫和，敵意消失，伊恩不是那種沒完沒了生氣的人。
　　"So she really needed a break, but she got all — all melodramatic about it. And I thought I couldn't save her." My voice breaks. I take a deep breath. "I didn't know Jared was following us."
　　“所以她真的需要一次休息，但她卻選擇了——選擇了這種極端的方法。我以為我根本無法救下她。”我的聲音開始改變，連忙做了一個深呼吸，“我不知道杰萊德正跟著我們。”
　　When I say Jared's name, I hear the tiniest whisper of sound in the darkness. Almost like ... a muffled, stuttered step. And I realize that, just as with Wanda, Jared isn't going to sit on a cot and twiddle his thumbs while I walk into a potentially dangerous situation. Not that this is dangerous at all, but Jared doesn't know Ian the way I do. And, to be fair, if the situation were somehow reversed, I probably would have done exactly the same thing. And if he'd unexpectedly said something about me following him, I might have stumbled, too. I roll my eyes in the darkness.
　　當我說起杰萊德的名字，我聽到黑暗中傳來了細微的聲音。幾乎像是……那種輕巧的，躡手躡腳的腳步聲。我知道了，就像是跟著小漫，當我很可能陷入危險的時候，杰萊德根本沒有坐在病床上擺弄著手指。當然現(xiàn)在并沒有什么危險，但杰萊德并不像我那樣了解伊恩。而且，公平的說，如果易地而處，我也會做同樣的事情。而且如果我跟著他時突然聽到他提到我，也會犯錯誤的。我朝黑暗中翻了個白眼。
　　Ian doesn't notice. He sighs. "Jared caught on, but I missed it."
　　伊恩沒有注意，他嘆氣說：“杰萊德當然注意到了，但我沒有�！�
　　"Jared's just overly cautious. Always. He goes overboard. Way, way overboard." This is for him. So he knows he's been caught.
　　“杰萊德只是過度謹慎而已�？偸沁@樣，多管閑事。沒錯，就是多管閑事。“這是說給他的，所以他應該知道自己被發(fā)現(xiàn)了。
　　"But he was right," Ian said.
　　“但他是對的�！币炼髡f道。
　　"Yes." And I huff out a huge sigh of relief, thinking of how close a thing it was. "Paranoia comes in handy sometimes."
　　“是的�！蔽掖蟠蟮乃闪艘豢跉猓氲骄筒钅敲匆稽c，事情就會變成另一個樣子，“有些時候偏執(zhí)狂還是有用的�！�
　　We walk quietly for a few minutes. I try to hear Jared, but he's being careful now, totally soundless.
　　我們靜靜地走了一會，我用耳朵搜尋杰萊德，但他更加小心了，幾乎沒有聲音。
　　"Do you think she'll be angry with us when she wakes up?" Ian asks.
　　“你覺得如果她醒了，會因為我們這么做生氣嗎？”伊恩問道。
　　I snort. "Wanda, angry? Please."
　　我哼了一聲：“小漫，生氣？拜托�！�
　　"Unhappy, then?" he asks more quietly.
　　“但還是會不高興？”他輕聲問道。
　　"She'll be fine," I assure him, because I know she won't be able to help being happy when she knows that's what we all want. It's just the way she's built. But I don't feel bad about taking advantage of her nature, because I also know this is what she really wants, under all the self-sacrifice. What she'd let herself want if she were a teensy bit more selfish.
　　“她會沒事的。”我向他保證，因為我知道，如果她知道我們的想法，她當然會不高興，但這是她自找的。我并不覺得利用她的天性占上風有什么問題，因為我也知道，在這所有的一切自我犧牲之后，到底什么是她真正想要的，只要她稍微自私一點點便可以得到。
　　"What you said before, about her loving you, and Jamie, and Jared ... and me."
　　“你之前說的，什么她愛你，還有杰米，還有杰萊德……還有我�！�
　　"Yes?"
　　“什么？”
　　"Do you think she really does love me, or was she just responding to the fact that I love her? Wanting to make me happy?"
　　“你覺得她真的愛上我了嗎？或者只是覺得應該回報我對她的愛？讓我覺得更加開心？”
　　He understands her. He knows her better than anyone but me.
　　他真的了解她。比任何人都了解，當然除了我。
　　I hesitate.
　　我猶豫了一下。
　　"I'm only asking because I don't want to be a ... a burden when she wakes up." He waits a moment for my response, and when I don't say anything, he continues. "Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I want the truth."
　　“我問這個只是因為我不想做一個……一個她醒來后必須面對的困擾�！笨盏攘艘粫业幕卮穑^續(xù)說，“別擔心傷害我的感情。我只想知道真相�！�
　　"It's not your feelings I'm worried about. I'm just trying to think of the right way to describe it. I've been ... not entirely human for the past year, so I get it, but I'm not sure you do."
　　“我擔心的不是你的感情。我只是在找出合適的形容。在過去的一年里，我并不算是完全的人，所以我明白，但我不確定你能不能明白�！�
　　"Try me."
　　“試試吧�！�
　　"It's strong, Ian. The way she feels about you is something else. She loves this world, but so much of the reason she couldn't leave was reallyyou. She thinks of you as her anchor. You gave her a reason to finally stay in one place after a lifetime of wandering."
　　“那很強烈，伊恩。她對你的感覺是別的什么。她愛著這個世界，但她不想離開的大部分原因真的是你。她覺得你是她的港灣。在做了一輩子的漫游者之后，你給了他一個理由來停留在一個地方�！�
　　He takes a deep breath. When he speaks, I hear peace in his voice for the first time. "Then that's all right."
　　他深深地呼吸著，當他再次開口的時候，聲音中第一次有了平和，“那么一切都會好起來的。”
　　"Yes."
　　“沒錯�！�
　　A pause, and then he says, "Don't rush."
　　他停頓了一下，說：“別沖動�！�
　　"What?"
　　“什么？”
　　We are rounding the corner toward the light of Doc's hospital. I can feel an itch in my palms to touch her tank again. To make sure.
　　我們繞過轉角，前面就是醫(yī)院的燈光，我感覺到自己想要再次抱住她的冷藏箱，來確保一切都是真的。
　　"When you go to find her a body. Take your time. Make sure you find one she'll be happy in. I can wait."
　　“如果你去給她找一具身體，別著急，首先要確定你會找到一個她喜歡的，我可以等�！�
　　I look up at him. I can see his expression now. His face is calm.
　　我看向他，現(xiàn)在終于可以看到他的表情了，很冷靜。
　　"Won't you be coming with us?" I ask, startled. I realize I've been picturing him as a part of the next step. Imagining him on one side, Jared on the other, the way it was in our last raid.
　　“你不和我們一起去嗎？”我震驚地問道，意識到我之前想象過一點他接下來怎么做，想象著他在一邊，杰萊德在另一邊，就像我們最后一次突襲時的那樣。
　　He shakes his head as we walk up to the big bright hole that is the entrance to the hospital.
　　在我們走進醫(yī)院明亮的入口時，他搖了搖頭。
　　"I don't really care about that part. You know what she needs. And I'd rather be here with her."
　　“我并不真正在乎這種事。你知道她的喜好。我更希望留在這里陪她�！�
　　Part of me is hurt that he will not come with me, that he will be here with Wanda instead, but I'm not sure if I'm jealous of his time or of hers.
　　一部分的我感到有些受傷，因為他不會陪著我而是在這里陪著小漫，不過我不確定我是在嫉妒他還是她。
　　We step into the light, and there is Jared, the picture of innocent curiosity, leaning against the cot where Wanda's tank is sitting. Ian walks straight for her. Jared takes a careful step out of his way. In the shadows, Kyle watches with hollow eyes. Doc is still sleeping.
　　我們站在明亮的光芒中，杰萊德也在，傾身看著病床上小漫的冷藏箱，多么純真的一副畫面。杰萊德用他的方式表示了體貼，站進了陰影中。凱爾眼神空洞。醫(yī)生仍然在睡覺。
　　Ian lifts the tank with incredible care. I hear him exhale. With relief. With sadness. With hope.
　　伊恩小心翼翼地拿起冷藏箱。我聽到他松了一口氣，憂傷而又充滿希望。
　　"Thanks," he says in Jared's direction, but he doesn't look away from her tank.
　　“謝謝�！彼麑苋R德的方向說道，但視線并沒有從她的冷藏箱上移開。
　　"I owe her," Jared responds.
　　“我欠她的�！苯苋R德答道。
　　Then Jared looks at me, one brow raised. A question.
　　然后杰萊德看向我，挑起一邊的眉毛。一個疑問。
　　I take one deep breath and walk to him. Yes, I answer with my smile. Yes, I am allowed to be happy now. Yes, I love you, too. Yes.
　　我做了一個深呼吸，然后走向他。是的，我露出笑容作為回答。是的，我允許我現(xiàn)在開心一會。是的，我也愛你，是的。
　　I put one arm around his waist, but my other hand sneaks away. My fingers trace across the warm metal in Ian's arms.
　　我伸出一只手攬住他的腰，但我的另一只手溜走了，我的手指滑過伊恩手中溫暖的金屬。
　　I feel strong again. This will be put right. Soon.
　　我再次擁有了力量。一切都會好起來的，很快。
　　And then I'll be able to tell Wanda all about it.
　　到那時我會告訴小漫這一切。

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